...Our Sweet Caralynn...

It's been 3 weeks today since Caralynn passed.

Chris was with us for block leave in Tucson. His second to last day there, August 13th, Caralynn had an infection. It was in her belly fluid and every time they'd drain her belly fluid, it would re-accumulate immediatly. Her sats were very off and at one point we very nearly lost her. It was so scary and so sudden.
You see, Caralynn had an allergy to the best antibiotics she could have recieved. So they weren't an option. Her heart was doing good. But she couldn't breath well because of the belly fluid.

After she crashed, they had us decide how far we wanted them to go. She had just had her 7th surgery to close her sternum because the wires broke off her ribs nd opened up. We knew they were very fragile and would be very very painful to her if they did chest compressions. So we had decided DNR but they could give her medicines to save her life. And the medicines did.

That night she had a good peaceful night. We were very happy in the morning, spent 2 hours with her until I had to take Chris to the greyhound station. Chris gave her kisses and said he loved her so so much and he'd see her soon.




The kids and I took him to the greyhound station, then went back to the hospital.

I was there with her for a few hours. The chaplain came in to talk to me, see how I was doing. We said a prayer for Caralynn. The second we said Amen, her blood pressure alarm went off. It was incredibley low. Her nurse, Steve called the dr's and everyone rushed down to the room... I stood there as they poked her to draw labs. I felt like I was standing outside of my skin just looking in through a window. I was so scared and nervous I didn't know what to do. The ped intensivist was --for lack of better word, yelling at me to make sure we didn't want to DNR. I could only think "I don't know, I don't know".

Chris had just sent me a text message saying he was going to turn his phone off so his battery didn't die.
So when I tried to call him, I just got his voicemail. So I sent him a text knowing he would see tha immediatly when he turned on his phone.
I called my mom and told her it was an emergency and she needed to call the greyhound station and see if they could get in touch with Chris's bus driver.

They were still working on Caralynn. The child life volunteers came and got the kids. And I was sitting outside her room watching everything. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I knew what was going to happen. She was done fighting. She had fought so hard for 3months, 3weeks, and 3 days. Had 3 open heart surgeries and 4 other surgeries. We had tried everything we could to give her the best life. Her heart was strong! It was the belly fluid and the infection that made it impossible to breath. She was on the strongest vent settings and being on those settings, it's damaging to the body.

The chaplain was still with me and she was asking me how we could get Chris back to us... She thought of Ft Huachuca and if anyone there couldn't intercept him and bring him back (since he's in the army). But she had an idea to call the state police first to see if they could get him.

Chris called me right then, I told he he needed to get off the bus, NOW. So he went and talked to the bus driver, who told him to go grab his stuff, there was a rest stop he could drop Chris off at in 2 miles. Chris was almost 2 hours away.
The Chaplain got ahold of the correct state police people and they said they could do it! Chris waiting for 5 or so minutes before the cop car came racing into the rest stop lights and sirens going. Chris ran and hoped in the car. 2 officers shared the 2 hour drive and both cars went at least 100mph lights and sirens and got Chris to us in 45 minutes.
My poor husband, I had an hour to come to terms with what was going to happen. Caralynn, our baby, wouldn't be in pain anymore. She would be an angel to look over us. Our personal angel. But Chris hadn't yet... He was crying so hard and I tried comforting him. We were hugging over our baby. As nice as it ws to think about how she wouldn't be in pain anymore- it hurt so bad. Our baby would never have any kind of normal life. She would never have a bottle again (she only had a few before her first open heart surgery- the surgery that went so wrong and caused all of this). We would never hear her laugh, know how great life on earth could be, we would never walk holding her hand, have conversations with her, or anything.
We set up that Chris would hold her, and then me. Our dear nurses that had become family to us came to be with us. Affie and Christy could make it in to support us and be there. Kennon wouldn' be able to make it until later.


With our family there, Chris held her, and then Affie held her for a few minutes as she passed our sweet Caralynn from Chris to me.




I was afraid to hold her while she passed. I didn't know what would happen. Or how it would happen. Or how quick. The nurses and dr's said with the bad shape of her breathing it wouldn't take long. And that with them knowing me/us, I needed to hold her. So as it was my turn holding her, we told her we were so sorry for everything and that she wouldn't get to experience how wonderful life could be at home, with us. We told her it was okay to pass, that she would have a wonderful time being our angel and she would not be in pain anymore.

She kept peeking her eyes open at us. And she gave this look like "what am I still doing here"... it was a sad, in pain look. And when she looked at me that last time after we told her that, I knew it was time.


We had the kids brought in to say their goodbyes... but they really didn't know wha was happening, Even though we told them. It was just like saying goodnight to her every night for the last almost 4 months to them. We had some last family pictures taken and then the volunteer took the kids out again.



They turned the monitors off and took off the ventilator, but placed an oxygen mask up to her trach so she would still get oxygen and not sufficate.

It didn't take long. After a few minutes, maybe she turned pale. I couldn't feel her breathing anymore and we took the oxygen mask away. The dr checked her. And our sweet Caralynn with the broken heart... It was still beating.
It was so hard knowing that her heart was still strong, but soon would not beat anymore. I desperatly tried to feel it beating, but then some fluid dripped out her nose, and we knew. We kissed her a million times and told her how much we loved her. How much she had changed our lives, and how much we would miss her and the things that we would never experience with her.
Christy got to hold her as she took my baby from my arms to the bed. She too gave her kisses.
You see, Caralynn touched so many people. Taught so many what strength and fight was all about. She also taught everyoe to hug their babies just one more time, to go in for that 2nd or 3rd good night kiss, and that life is so precious and short.

We went to a grieveing room while they cleaned her up, clipped some pieces or her hair for us to hold forever, and also make castings of her perfect hands and feet. All of which I hold all of the time. It helps me grieve to hold her hand and look at her picture.



Kennon came to see us shortly after and so did Claire and our PICU friend Tonya. Many other nurses came in to say their goodbyes.

I didn't want to leave that night. I knew everything that would happen next and I didn't want them to. I knew that the first step to all of them was leaving her for the first time. I went back to the room 3 times while tryig to leave the hospital. She just looked so peaceful and perfect. Steve told me to take my time, he wasn't in any hurry (it was well past shift change) and tha he was honored to be the one to take her downstairs, he would get to hold her then.
When the kids saw her without all of the wires and tubes, they were SO happy and said "Caralynn's all better! Can we take her home?!"... How do you tell your 3 and 5 year old that she's in a different, better home? We tried explaining... and if you ask them today, they'll tell you Caralynn died and she's in a box on the shelf.

It's taken me a LONG time to write and finish this. But I knew I wanted to write it all down sooner then later. And since She touched so many, I knew I wanted to share her last few moments. I will never forget the looks of annoyance she gave us while we were taking our time to say goodbye. Our sweet Caralynn- you're the most perfect, prettiest angel of them all. And we love and miss you so so much.

So much has happened.

I miscarried out baby 2 weeks ago. It was so hard. So hard to get so excited for 10 weeks that you're going to have another baby...and then you're not.

Chris has been gone for what seems like forever! But we only have 31 days left. 23 days left until the kids and I head out for our big road trip on the way to see him!
I've knocked my Florida trip down to just over 1 week...Long stessful story there.

And then we are on out way to San Antonio, TX!

I'm trying to decide if I want to cut my hair or not today.
And I've also been trying to pick a good car out for us to get. I need to get it by next weekend. The Durango isnt holding up anymore :(

To work, Or not to work?

Well, everytime I leave my kids, they give me a huge guilt trip! "One more hug, mommy!", "Mommy, don't go!", etc... it's horrible. Julieann cried for forever when I dropped her off at my friends house on Thursday. It sucked, and all I could do cause I was running late was drop them off and leave.
But now with our taxes done, and getting that tax return, I am comfortable not working anymore... Technically, I was working 3-4 days a week for a little less then $100 a week. Which I paid $80 towards the car and the rest in the gas tank. But as soon as we get the return, it will catch us up, and have left over until we get Chris' first pay. But I HATE quitting, or putting in a 2 weeks notice, etc... But sometimes, it has to be done. So maybe, depending on who's manager tonight... I'll put my 2 weeks in. Idano... Hopefully I will be able to talk to Chris tomorrow and we can talk about it :)

Anywho, so do I work for little money, make my kids sad, or what?

10 days down and a surprise phone call!

Yesterday, I got home from work, and we were here for about 20 minutes when my husbands ringer came over my phone... I thought it was a fluke! lol I answered it within 2 seconds all giddy- and it was him! My hubby was calling me!!!
He said he loves it so far and although it's really hard work, his dril sgt. is awesome, and he can't wait to introduce his family to him at graduation! He got a 5 minute pass to give me a call and give his BCT address. He's in the Delta company Pitbulls :) I'm proud of him cause they are 'known' as the bad asses of BCT. He didnt have to stay in a half way bct for fat camp... which would surprise me if he did since he is so athletic!
So I'm 10 days down... 60 to go :)
sooo happy what when I wake up tomorrow, there are only 59!
We miss him, but things are going pretty good, and I'm glad he got to call so I can tell him that. He's really doing the best thing for our family. I'm soo glad we finally have a future because of the Army!
I <3 my Private!

Today is a day I wish I could talk to him.

Well, Christopher had his first big dentist appointment. He had to get 1 crown, and 2 caps put on some back teeth. So they gave him this medicine thats suppose to make him all drunk and loopy feeling. Well, 10 minutes later and on time, he started practically falling into the toy he was playing with! So I held him and he just starred at the rainforrest mural like it had psycadelic paintings on it! lol It took 1/2 an hour for the procedure. And when they came to get me, I could hear him yelling at the nurses! The DR told me he was an angry drunk! lol But once I got into the room to hold him for the 10 minutes longer he needed to be there he was fine. So he did fine through out the rest of the day and could even eat a bowl of cereal around 4pm.
Next up was I had issues with my mother in law. But I dont want to go into detail of the situation on the internet... I'll just give the gist of they said they would help babysit the kids while Chris was gone, but now they can't. So I have to figure out a different schedule with Kohl's so I can still work without having to give up my shifts! Fortunatly, I have some great friends and one was able to babysit and another would have but her son had his hour of school in the middle of when I needed her.
I just broke down and was crying over it. I am so thankful that my parents understand and are able to watch the kids on the weekends while I work. Also thankful that my sister and brother in law are going to be taking the kids 1 weekend a month. I honestly don't know what I will do without them! I'll miss them since I spend so much time with them and none (but work hours) without them. I care for them 24/7... honestly... what would I do not caring for them?!

Moving down range today.

I've copied the following from the military.com website:

Schedules & Timelines - Army
There are 10 weeks in Army Basic Training. The breakdown is as follows:

ZERO WEEK: RECEPTION
This is where your transformation for civilian life to the Army world begins—from bidding farewell to your civilian clothes, getting your Army haircut and getting ready to become physical fit.

WEEK 1: FALL IN
Once Reception Week completes, it's now time to get down to business, lots to learn in a short period of time, new rules, regulations and processes involved in being in the Army. Classroom instruction begins

WEEK 2: DIRECTION
Your new mentor is your Drill Sergeant, leaving the classroom for the field, it's time to test your physical and mental endurance. Possible things to learn this week are map reading and first aid

WEEK 3: ENDURANCE
During week 3 you will have to rely on your team mate and dig deep inside yourself, it is time to start the physical and mental challenges of the simulated combat scenarios.

WEEK 4: MARKSMANSHIP
The M16A2. It is the standard issue weapon of the U.S. Army. You will be taught everything there is to know about this weapon. Learning to shoot a rifle is more than pulling the trigger. Marksmanship courses will teach you not only the proper way to hold a weapon, but also how to breathe and shoot from many different positions

WEEK 5: TRIALS
Hope you were paying attention in week 4 because you will use all that information this week to pass the Basic Rifle Marksmanship Qualification Course and the Fit to Win Obstacle Course. You will be challenged both mentally and physically.

WEEK 6: CAMARADERIE
You platoon is only as strong as its weakest member, this week you will learn to count on your fellow trainees. Bonds are formed and confidence is gained as trust exercises are implemented.

WEEK 7: CONFINDENCE
Confidence in yourself and your platoon has been growing steadily over the past seven weeks. Hand grenade training; live fire exercises; foot marching; and overall physical fitness will all be tested in the Confidence Course.

*WEEK 8: COMBAT SKILL DEVELOPMENT
An additional week was inserted at Week 8 to provide more time for developing combat skills. The Army will be testing this extended training from Nov. 07 to Jan. 08.
Read the full “Army Extends Training” article to learn more.

WEEK 9: VICTORY FORGE
All the miles have been marched and the obstacle left behind. It's time to put everything you've learned up to this point to the real test: a three-day field retreat to Victory Forge. This is the true and final test of your skills and spirit – your chance to prove you have what it takes to be a U.S. Army Soldier.

WEEK 10: GRADUATION
Your family and friends have made the journey to watch you graduate. All your hard work has led you to this day. This is the day you have been dreaming of, the day you become a U.S. Army Soldier.


He was pretty excited last night after he got his ACUs. He even sent me a picture which I was SOOO happy to get! I've already added it to facebook, it's my phone's main image, out desktop image, and I changed his FB profile picture to it :)
We miss him so much, but I'm sooo excited for him and can't wait to start getting his letters any day now!

I miss him.

So far, we've got through 4 whole days without seeing each other. only 9 weeks to go! lol
Tonight, after I got home from work, the kids and I traced our hands, and they colored theirs while I wrote on mine... front side I wrote a 'remember when' thing, and the backside I wrote what I miss doing with him on the particular day (sunday-saturday). We each had 7 hands. and I named our hand books "Raise your hand if you miss Daddy" (Husband for mine). They turned out pretty cute and I really hope he enjoys them! The kids LOVED coloring their hands and did a great job.
Tomorrow I am watching Shyann (our neice) and taking the kids to the mall to play. My friend Heather is going to pal around with us too :)

Chris just called me for 1/2 a minute. He's going to call him parents for the first time right no then call me back.
I guess he hasnt had his dental yet... he gets that done tomorrow along with issuing his ACUs. But he already has all his PT clothes as thats what they've been living in for the last 4 days. He did more PT today too :)

I miss my husband so much, but I'm still doing pretty good with being lonely. But then again, I'm only 4 days in... and this is when the biggest adjustment is taking place.

I've been lucky!

As Chris has been in the reception part of BCT, I have been able to talk to him at least 2 minutes every night! :) It makes me sooo happy and changes my day when I hear his ringer come over my phone! So far he's had his hair cut, dental, physical, blood work, shots, and has been issued some things.
Today I worked 12pm-5pm and my mom babysat the kids. Then Jon, Tracy, Shannon, & Scott all came over for just some family time.

Chris' mom went in the hospital last night and she has an inflammed pancrease. She should be okay as long as she no longer drinks alcohol. I felt so bad telling Chris this over the phone, he plans on calling her tomorrow and making her want to improve alot of things so she can come see him graduate basic training.

First day without him

Yesterday was my first complete day without Chris. I was doing great all day until he called and we went to hang up... I started sobbing. I didnt know when I could next talk to him. He called me immediatly back and I think he felt my pain and he asked if I was crying.. I of course was.. lol
But I have been doing good otherwise. Insted of me calling him when one of the kids does something or I have to tell him something, I now write to him right away so I dont forget. Like today, Julieann peeled her own orange AND put on her own (well...they were mine) socks. And christopher took a great smile picture for him.
I can't imagine how we will feel the first time we can send out letters and recieve the others and just cry reading them.. just the emotions from getting it out of the mail box will be overwhelming! I will probley sit in the car right next to the mail box reading them...lol :)
I scheduled my first OB appt yesterday. It will be on February 17th. 25 more days until I can see our baby! I will be 10 1/2 weeks at it.
Thats about it for now. I have to give the kids lunch then get them down for a nap so I can shower and get the kids to my inlaws and myself to work.

Gone to BCT

Today we saw Chris off to BCT. We got to hang out with him at the MEPS station in Lansing from 9am-1pm. We saw him sworn in too! Then he gave us hugs and kisses and we said our quick good-byes. The kids havent really been asking about where he is... But everytime Christopher gets into trouble he says "I dont like you, mommy- I want Daddy, he can come home" :(
I am so proud of him! I will miss him so so so much.
I talked to him a few hours ago and he was having flight issues. So I dont know if he's on a plane on his way down there now, or if he's still in Chicago in a hotel room. Definatly going to keep my phone near at all times!!!